Are “Celebration of Life” services appropriate?
January 15th, 2009 | Before I begin, let me say that what follows may be a touchy subject for some, and my thoughts may seem disorganized and unintelligible — I am fully aware that I am not an “expert” on this topic.
I was watching television the other day when a commercial came on that somehow related to a “Celebration of Life” service. Truth be told, I remember nothing else about the commercial except for its general subject matter, because afterward I was consumed by this thought:
There is something theologically wrong with “Celebration of Life” services.
Celebration of Life services do a great deal of wrong by bypassing or altogether ignoring the need for mourning, particularly mourning in community.
Take this, for example, taken from this Squidoo page titled “A Celebration of Life, Not A Mourning of Death”:
A traditional funeral service with black suits and quiet church music and people gathered around a casket or urn, is okay for some, but it is not favorable for many people. Sometimes mourning a life does not feel right. Life should be celebrated. It is a special day when people who loved a person get together and celebrate their life, happily, and remember the person as they were… alive, and vibrant.
The logic makes sense at first: Why would anyone hold a service dedicated to sorrow — to weeping, to unanswerable questions, to pain? Holding a Celebration of Life service instead of a funeral intentionally aims to bypass these things. But it’s not an “either/or” situation as the title of the aforementioned article suggests. It is (and should be) “both/and”.
I’m not familiar with the stages of grief and the respective time frames for dealing with death, but I don’t think the short amount of time between death and memorial service allows sufficient space for the deceased’s loved ones to properly mourn before celebrating their life.
This is not to say that life shouldn’t be celebrated; it is to say that a Celebration of Life has its own time. Ironically, a Celebration of Life service may prevent proper celebration because the mourning hasn’t ceased, hasn’t begun, or has been discouraged altogether. Mourning must be voiced, affirmed by others, and allowed to run its course.
Peter Rollins recently wrote a piece called We need professional mourners. In it, he says,
Contrary to what people often think, the key to easing peoples suffering is not in offering some insidious theodicy but in allowing a place for people to mourn and to meet others who know what it is to have been burned by that black sun. By providing a public, theo-poetic location where we are able to symbolise our mourning we are able to trinagulate our pain (allowing it to be registered by a third) and place it into the symbolic realm. This is not about providing an answer but rather offering a site where we can speak our suffering.
Put simply, to be human is to endure suffering. Yet we are creatures crafted by the hands of God, and in His infinite wisdom we were all created with an inbuilt process for dealing with our unavoidable suffering: mourning. In mourning we join all of creation, past and present, in a collective groaning for redemption (Romans 8:19-22). Celebrations of Life — even with good intentions — largely ignore this theological reality, and at great cost.
I don’t think it’s selfish to assume that upon my death, those who loved me will be in grief. I pray that they will be able to speak their suffering and find a safe place for mourning before a celebration of my life is considered.
What do you think? Leave a comment and join the conversation.
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I think that the book of Lamentations would not have been included in Holy Scripture if mourning were not something we should take seriously. Right on, Jake!
Matty
Good point, Matty. Thanks for weighing in.
i had assumed that celebration of life sunday was a pro-life event. i had no idea.
i haven't lost a lot of closely loved folks in my lifetime yet, but i do think it was quite healthy for me to learn how to let go and grieve rather than try to hold on to every memory to keep the person alive in my mind. Once I allowed myself to release them and drop into a pit myself it was only then that I could return to their life and rejoice in the beauty and fullness was still present as a result of them. I think you are bang on here.
It strikes me as a very "me-centered" thing to teach people to search for things to keep from their deceased friends and relatives before they even have a chance to fully leave us.
i hope my thoughts here are clear. Probably not. Muddy waters.
Ultimately, focusing on a celebration of life instead of mourning a loss is an expression of denial. A book on pastoral care for those going through loss, "All our Losses, All our Griefs," does a great job of talking about this. We have to experience, express, and move through grief, not skirt around it unresolved. Ignoring grief doesn't avoid it – it just postpones it and gives it an opportunity to rear its head in our lives in unexpected and destructive ways in the future. Jesus should be our example here – he didn't celebrate the life of Lazarus, his friend, he wept.
When my grandmother passed away we were able to celebrate her life. We mourn, but we don't mourn as those who have no hope. We have the Resurrection that we can look to, but that doesn't mean we don't mourn.
I don't think they are inappropriate. I think it depends on the person, their family and what their needs are.
Why is a Celebration of Life service the opposite of mourning? If someone was a complete #*$%&#@ on this planet would there be anything to celebrate or mourn? I don't feel that they are two different things, sorry.
Keep reading that Tom Lynch, my man. He's got some great, great stuff on this.
My main problem with CoL services is that they tend to ignore one thing: someone has died. This is sad, and disappointing, most of the time. So we feel angry, and we mourn and grieve, because we have lost something. I think it is good and healthy and realistic to face that– to deal with that, however haltingly or imperfectly.
When our son died, I did my best to honor his life at his funeral, but I was angry, and sad, and dark. I needed to grieve. A year later, our friends gifted us with a memorial service that was much more focused on his life, and the way he blessed all of us. I think both of these services were very helpful, each in their own way and time.
Quite right, Mike: keep reading that Tom Lynch, he is a national treasure. The celebration of life tendency seems to seek to soften sadness by ignoring it. Well, you can't have a meaningful funeral by trivialising death. While it's understandable that some people – non-religious folk, especially – should want to escape the hush and awe of a 'traditional' funeral and introduce a strong celebratory element, it doesn't make sense to do so if you don't first acknowledge the pain of loss. If there's no pain, there can be nothing to celebrate. Children often want to skip the main course and go straight to dessert. There is often something essentially childish about the life celebrators. It's a poor diet for those who grieve.
Yeah, it's weird that in the attempt to avoid "me-centered"-ness by having a CoL service, it ends up being me-centered anyway.
Thanks, Ted, and thanks for giving us an example from the life of Jesus.
I agree that we can look to the resurrection, but as you said, it doesn't mean we don't mourn. To go from death to Celebration of Life is like going from Good Friday to Easter without acknowledging the very real need for Holy Saturday.
It doesn't matter whether or not "someone was a complete #*$%&#@ on this planet." Any death is a thing to be mourned, especially if you believe (as I know you do) that we are all God's children.
A CoL service doesn't provide the space for us to reach the deep, dark, suffering that we're going through, because it avoids the matter altogether by focusing solely on the deceased instead of the mourners and their need for the act of mourning over the loss of the deceased.
Thanks, Mike. I bought "The Undertaking" recently and hope to read it soon. Thanks for sharing your personal experience as well… that always really helps in these kinds of conversations.
Thanks for the comment, Charles. I don't know that I can go with you all the way in saying there is something "childish" about CoL people, I do agree that it some ways it trivializes death by ignoring death's inherent pain.
Ultimately it doesn't matter what any of us think. It is what the family think and want – what they need and deem appropriate for themselves.
A celebration service of a young life can put things into persepective and give a sense of meaning and purpose for that life. The mourning will come…..and keep on coming until it is done. This may take years and years as in the life of a child or young person.
Our loss right now is our 20 year old grandaughter. We will mourn privately as a family and bury her privately as a family but celebrate her life with her friends and all those who loved her in a celebration service m aking it clear that people are to share whatever they wish – their best memories of her and their loss. What can be missing in a funeral only is that sense of what that life meant to each person. Not just the sadness but the joy and sheer goofiness and fun in that persons life.
Let's give room for it all. We are different – let's celebrate that.
Riette,
Last night I attended a col service and have to say that it was way overboard and very "forced" in order to be viewed a certain way. The thing to consider also is the close friends of the deceased. Sometimes that relationship is even closer than that of the family. These people should not be overlooked – that could be extremely painful emotionally and hinder healing.
This message is in two parts due to posting limitations.
I just thought of another thing. I DON'T want a col service
1) Because it is often hypocritcal – doesn't reflect true feelings
2) The life is gone – death has come – sometimes violently, premature and unexpected. It seems to me that the col style of service in a way is celebrating death – the life is gone. You don't usually celebrate when something good has been lost.
This is the second part of the previous message.
3) It's like saying "I'm glad this happened to you and I am glad you are gone (as you surely must be) – or "That tragedy couldn't have happened to a better person".
4) If some people want to celebrate, they should have the sensitivity to celebrate with others who are of the same mindset. Some very hurting people would rather not be forced into something they feel is extremely disrespectful of their deceased friend. This kind of insensitivity could very well add "insult to injury".
5) I imagine there are anti-sympathy cards out there (maybe in with the funny cards) that get sent to grieving friends and family. I think that getting one of these when you are in mourning would seem trivializing, disrespectful, or both.
I could go on , but I won't.
I agree with you. I lost my husband almost 9 months ago and a friend of ours told me about 5 months ago how he was suprised to see I was still sad and mourning. He said that when his wife dies someday what HE would do is celebrate her life. He said I should have a party with family and friends and tell stories about Pat's life. He didn't understand when I said I could not do that at this time. People are more than willing to tell you how to feel, how to behave, when you should be over it, move on, not talk about it and any thing you can think of. Thank you.
After losing my son a week ago I mourned,the family mourned,and his friends mourned.This week we are going to celebrate his life.We see nothing wrong with this as this is what he wanted.